Heavyweight Champion of Guilt, Yours Truly AKA. Guilt and stuff (12/2/17)

I'm a very guilty man. Was? Kinda still am? But def getting/gotten better with it. It runs in my blood, you know? My great grandad on my dad side, from what I know wasn't shit. I imagine him as a savage with not much guilt lol but I never knew him. My grandad though, he had it. My dad. I feel for him, I can see it in his eyes. I feel the weight of it. And I wanna save him. I want to take some of that load off and ease his mind. I say this all the time; "We cannot time travel". I relate so much to that part of him because we share it. I pay close attention to my brothers because I wanna catch that shit before it's a problem. Recently I had a falling out with my dad and even in my anger and disappointment. I felt for him. Writing this now. I still feel for him. We mess up. It's what we do lol. My guilt is heavy. I blamed myself, a kid. An annoying kid for my Grandmother's death. I was convinced, if I had listened more, if I didn't give her a hard time. If I wasn't such a troubled kid then she'll be here. I never got help for that. I never told my mom that, my dad, step dad. Nobody. And it took me a very long time to help myself and realize I can't do that to myself. My grandma had a stroke. The first time wasn't so bad, I mean strokes are horrible but man she pulled through and was back home. Doing everything like she was before. The second one shook me to my core. She couldn't talk. Grunts. Visiting her was so hard. Especially knowing that she wasn't coming home. That was the last funeral I ever went to. We used to fight like an old couple lol but I slept in the same bed as her until like 10 lol. In my mind, it was my fault. I was such a knucklehead kid. I must've stressed her to that point. It's my fault. I sat there with that thought for years. This led to my time in middle and high school being very hard for me. I carried this by myself, everyday for years. Do not do that. Don't ever do that to yourself. This, like everything else I share isn't doing any good just sitting with me. I can't just hold onto stories like this and thoughts about these things, not anymore. Even if the smallest amount of people see it, it can do some good, right?

Right.

Guilt, it makes you feel undeserving. Or better yet deserving of the worst. I think I have a lot more stories about guilt but think on this on story.

Think about how reasonable the things that you feel guilty about are. If you are wrong, make it right. Or try. Effort is key here but do not hold that stuff in. Don't keep it yourself. Do not drown in guilt. You cannot go back and change things. You can only do better now and in the future. Don't be your own enemy.

Love to you

Later, again