I Want Nothing AKA It Is Not As Bad As It Sounds, Promise (8/26/18)

I don't know what I want so I'm thinking of wanting nothing. One could take that in a drastically negative and self destructive way. To want nothing. It could be taken as "I want nothing for myself" and/or I want nothing from/out of life." I get that. Really.

But my intention does not match that perception of it. To want nothing, in this context. In my personal use which I'm aware may be unclear, vague or misleading. Is to not seek certain things. To not expect predetermined and highly likely or favorable outcomes from actions, situations, interactions, endeavors and all those nice words. It sounds monk like, right? Well depending on who you ask I can come off like that lol. More importantly I say this knowing that I will fail. There's no way I can just stop you know? Even if I get really good at it. It'll always be something I'm practicing.

Like doctors, they study for years and practice it. The word practice is funny here. Because it kind of clashes with what I've been saying. You practice to improve(duh.), to get results. You want that, you seek it. That's not bad at all, in fact it is quite good.

But do you enjoy what you're practicing? What does it do for you at your current skill level? Will a higher skill level somehow change that? Elevate it? Make it more fun? The act of practice, repetition of something. At its core, it should be because you enjoy that thing, right?

There's things I think about when I think about this. I think about rapping, drawing and fighting games. Not too different from my usual thoughts, I know(lol). But in hip-hop wanting to get better is key. It is what helps everybody grow and push themselves. I'm a real big fan of the whole "push me I push you" thing. But that right there comes from loving it. Loving what you do currently at your current level. I feel that aspect is often overlooked. You hear about the sensitivity, aggression and competitive nature of it but what we must remember is that it comes from loving what you do.

You do not love rhyming after you get really good at it. Or writing when you get super good at it. You get get good at things in the first pace because enjoy them. Like them, love them even. The same goes for the other things i mentioned. If you see some crazy artist making some insanely cool stuff that person must really love it cause who wants to be just to be good? (well, me sometimes. Don't worry we're addressing it). If you see somebody really good at a fighting game they most likely really enjoy it and want to learn more because of that. (if you're reading this you might know Brian. Brian probably smoked you in some fighting game, its what he does. He enjoys those games. Wassup Brian lol)

I've begun to ramble but you know that's what I do. Plus, its been awhile. But I want to remember this one thing. I want to remember that I should enjoy whatever I do regardless of skill level. Regardless of not being at an expected level of skill or not improving fast enough or anything like that. I know that for awhile I just wanted to be good at things for the sake of being good at them. As if, I'll feel something once I reach this unknown standard set for myself by myself. I think I do this a lot. Like most things I post, these things might be quite obvious. True, I agree and to that I say it is the smallest most obvious things that we need to be reminded of the most.

It's really good to have to my laptop back lol.

Until my next thought.