Talking To Myself AKA Translating Expression or whatever else sounds nice (9/10/18)

I was practicing today. I hate practicing. Hate is a strong word, probably not accurate anymore. But it’s too early for an off the point rant so, I was practicing drawing profiles. I’m horrible at that so I wanted to strengthen my understanding of how to construct it. I did these two figures and I started thinking, “what’s the point?”. What am I practicing towards? I ask myself often. Simple question right?

You would think so. So in the third figure I drew my flower next to it. And added words then of course the alien.

Still I’m asking myself what’s the point. So I asked a friend of mine and the conclusion that was reached was that everything I do is telling the same story. Just in a different way in addition to talking to myself. Am I only talking to myself? I couldn’t answer that one really. Like if any words help or apply to anybody who sees it then I am talking to you in a sense, right?

The most intriguing part for me is that I very much use all my outlets in that way, to talk to myself. To confront certain things if not everything. I had to write something recently and I ended up doing this very thing. In all my drawings with words and most that don’t have them I’m doing that too. And on here, for the most part I’m just talking to myself and sharing it.

I stated my purpose for sharing early on when I started this thing but I became discouraged in a sense. It felt pointless. This dawned on me when I explained the feeling that led me to “wanting nothing” to somebody and it just wasn’t understood. The idea of wanting something so bad and wanting to be good at it to the point where you want to stop and do something else cause it’ll be easier and probably reap rewards faster. I experience this often, I think it’s easy to understand but it wasn’t and that made me question a lot. I questioned my social media presence, without the likes and comments. What’s the point of my art? Am I sharing it for some dopamine? So I can feel like it’s not a waste? I think I was better off without it to be honest. Way better.

Back to talking to myself and hating practice. Well, not hate. It actually feels good a bit to work on things I find difficult but I think the use of my art makes this hard. Like I use my drawings to talk, so even practicing turns into a statement, question or confession of sorts. My same friend looked through my books and noticed unlike most “artist” sketchbooks there’s no pages of practicing things. Every page is its own thing or a continuation of an idea or whatever. This made me feel justified in not calling myself an artist lol.

So without a page gathering likes or whatever I was forced to confront the pointless feeling of my work. Is it pointless? Well, no. How I feel isn’t always reality. That might apply to you as well. But if I’m using rhymes, drawings and a little rant filled blog to confront and express these things then that’s purposeful, right? Whether you share it or not...right? I think so?

I think so.