Telling My/Your Selective Truths AKA Live From My Personal Sunken Place (9/27/18)
There's some truths I gotta stop running from. My fear or aversion of arrogance leads to not acknowledging my own skills and/or talents as well skills and/or talents. Often downplaying them. Discrediting things I happen to enjoy and even excel in. I think this is the answer I've been looking for or in the absolute very least a part of it. The answer to why I can't "see what others see".
Finally getting progress is weird. It's an odd feeling. I have to acknowledge both sides, the overbearing voice of criticism and the reality. For example, whenever I draw something now I write my initial criticism in red sharpie next to whatever it is I made. And underneath that in blue sharpie I write the reality of it. And the criticism stopped or wasn't as self deprecating. It wasn't attacking one's self for not living up to a standard set it was more constructive. It encourages me to try again or maybe come at it with a different perspective. This makes me feel super crazy by the way lol but its helping. Through this I'm accepting failure as a necessary step. As I am a child again in kindergarten learning that it is okay to not be perfect. I repeat this a lot and it is mostly because I need reminding the most. But, I truly believe it is things like that, the smallest most obvious things we probably learned as children that need to be said the most. It's super obvious but I do think those obvious things are the most important. Redundant of me, I'm aware that may be the case here but that is one of the points of this whole blog thing. To remind myself of these things and any others who stumble across it.
Anyways, the two voices. Yeah, it makes me feel crazy lol but it works for me. Another form of it has found it's way in my writing. I do not acknowledge any semblance of skill lol or I didn't. Past tense. I never want to be cocky, full of myself. But I took that to the upmost extreme and robbed myself of acknowledging my ability and skills. So now, when I write a rhyme I take back what I took from myself. I know what I'm doing. And I am going to confront any doubts about it that I have. It reminds me of my good friend, Stephen (hey, Stephen). He's really smart but doesn't like flaunt it but I'll never forget this trick he does or at least I think it is a trick. He does this thing where he like questions me lol like if we're playing Street Fighter and I make the slightest inclination of something being difficult or too difficult for me to do he would do this thing. Like he wouldn't agree with me or doubt me but he'll question it and I always took it offensively lol like bro don't YOU ever doubt me. I can do that but you can't. Lol and then I'll be motivated to prove myself wrong thinking I'm proving him wrong. I'm unaware if you did this on purpose, Stephen but regardless I'm grateful.
I think that's all I got today, so.
Yeah, more action and all that good stuff. Later.
